If you know me well, you know that I struggle with existential meaning of life questions. I usually loathe my birthday because I tend to flog myself about how I am not living an embedded life as the best version of myself. It is doubtful I will ever have biological children, and I experience angst over a sense of legacy. I occasionally feel fear and sadness that my life isn't really mattering. I want to be valued and remembered, and I want my hands and heart to make a difference on the planet. A tangible difference in easing the suffering of others, of really spending my life in ways that truly matter.
Here is my honesty... if I were brave enough, I would be working in a country like Haiti BEFORE a crisis hits that gets world attention. There are planes sitting on the tarmac that are unable to get food and medical supplies to much needed areas because of a lack of infrastructure. This was an issue before the earthquake. Haitians are some of the poorest in the world and the suffering was real when I was living my daily life completely unaware. And there are countless countries in dire need... right. this. second. Just because it isn't on CNN doesn't mean it doesn't exist. So if I were living my best life, I would be a Troy and Tara Livesey, but in an authentic Diane Davis sort of way.
With that said, I think I am right where I am supposed to be for the moment. Just don't be surprised if someday you find me working in a refugee camp in Sudan. I am trying to be open to the Universe and what it has to teach me. I want to live in awareness to the ways She will prepare me for just the right time to take bold steps into a deeper sense of self that will in turn move out into the world. I don't have a picture of what that will look like, and that sounds about right for this time in life. I pray that when the timing is right the picture and the call will come, in gentleness and complete assurance.
So, all of this to say... I wanted to share a letter I received from Traphis today. This letter really touched me and gave me a glimmer that life isn't all or nothing, that right now I am loving and caring and making a difference... in my work, in my friendships, in my community, and in Kenya. Traphis is one of the four kids (now a grown woman) that is going to college in Kenya. Friends and family have responded to my fundraising requests, the money is being matched by the Orphan Support League, and I pay for her tuition and wire her money for her living expenses. I am completely impressed with her articulate writing and use of imagery (remember English is her third language). This really isn't about ME (we all have opportunities to respond to others), and yet I feel a strong sense of meaningful legacy in her words...
****
[January 19, 2010]
Dear Mum,
I shall not tire to call you the title above because truly you are a mum to me. Some thanks are better spoken than written and I wish I could tell this to you face to face. I sincerely owe you a lot. I haven't just had your support but I have felt it. Just like a mother elephant and her young one, I have felt the tender support of your trunk on my back as I have struggled to climb my daily life uphills.
''Kutoa ni moyo, usambe ni utajiri,''... don't get surprised, this is just a kiswahili proverb which means that "giving is triggered by the heart, it is not because of having too much to spend.'' You have provided to us not because you have material wealth but because you have a rich heart! My dear mum, you have impacted souls. You made me realize Gods love through a human being with a big heart. I will never thank you enough for what you do for me.
Right now, I only have good wishes for you and prayers to make before the Lord just for you. May he increase you and reward you in a tenfold, pay back to you in a way that defies human understanding.
I was in a deep slumber, I had not planned to wake up (so i could not wake up on my own), but you who was awake, woke me up with a soft peck on my cheek and a caring voice. This surely makes me feel that no man is an island entirely of itself, every man is a piece of the world, a part of the main.
Thank you very much for having lived your life like a candle which burns itself but gives light to others. I pray that one day I may impact souls the way you do. You are a "story" for me to tell my children's children.
God bless you.
Your daughter,
Traphis
Traphis 2003
11 comments:
wow ... what beautiful words.
thank you for sharing.
you are so loved.
xoxo
O Diane...that letter from Traphis is the most beautiful thing I've ever read. I hope your heart can find rest in knowing that you have forever changed her life. And she will go on to change others lives. That in itself is a legacy.
I know your heart. It is big. You have so many more lives to touch/change....praying that God's "big picture" becomes very clear to you...but in the meantime, you are helping create good in Oakland and in every life you come in contact with.
I concur with the ladies who have already commented. And I love your heart for legacy--I think it is one trait that battles our innate selfishness. When we focus on what we are doing for those who come behind us, it's easier to make the right decisions. One thought I LOVE about legacy: our time in heaven is going to be spent (ok, maybe not all of eternity) finding out about the millions of ways we made an eternal impact on others without even knowing--just by being faithful to our Father who created us. That makes me so happy, because I have lots of people to whom I owe stories of their impact on MY life.
when we focus on what we are doing for those who come behind us, it's easier to make the right decisions.
lisa's thoughts really capture the sentiment here. legacy is not always biological. you are a prime example of that. i am encouraged by your strong sense of love thy neighbor. i sometimes lose sight of this very important life principle.
Diane! What a wonderful legacy you are leaving these students! And what a beautifully written and poetic letter. You are obviously making a huge impact locally, globally, and ultimately, eternally. What a blessing you are to these kids and what a treasure to receive a love letter from your legacy!
Beautiful post Diane, but I worry your sense of responibility for the world's problems is way out of focus.
You are a beautiful person doingmuch more for the world than at least 99% of the rest of us. You don't have to be there for everyone. You have done more than your share and you continue to do so. And you have a great life you should be proud of and happy about.
I am lucky to have met you and humbled to see how much you give of yourself. You inspire others and make them aware of the plight of the less fortunate. You give and continue to give tirelessly. That, among many other things, ensures your legacy and that you will always be remembered.
Tears came at the greeting of your love letter.
Yes...a love letter.
That is what you have given....and what has returned indeed.
WOW is all I can muster.
IF we all could love just person as you have with Traphis...this world would be much better off.
...and to think, there are more Traphis's out there you have loved and touched.
You are building a legacy Diane. It may not be a genetic one....but I dare say that it's much stronger.
So beautiful Diane...
Traphis' letter is beautiful - brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing - for sharing your life and passion with the kids in Kenya, and for sharing with us, to remind us, encourage us to be open to where the Universe leads.
Love you lady.
So beautiful, Diane. You have done so much for them.
Take it easy on yourself and know that you are loved and one of the most caring, sensitive people I know! Miss you!
This is the first time I have visited your blog, and I find it so refreshing. I am particularly bawling at this last post. Beautiful.
-Amy Edwards
Post a Comment